Sometimes I feel sad. Do you?
I feel sad when I receive bad news, sad when someone that is dear to me goes through a tough time, sad if my children are sick, sad if my hubby treats me in a way that I feel is unfair... the list could be endless. We all get sad for one thing or another.
I think as a mother sadness is something that is quite normal, you are not sad all the time, but at least once a day you might feel a bit sad, if you say something to your child you think you shouldn't have, if you weren't able to give the attention you thought they needed. Anyway, just wanted to make a little point.
We have to stop assuming someone is depressed or is getting depressed just because they feel down or sad. Depression is this sickness that everyone is afraid of. I am not saying depression doesn't exist, believe me I know it exits, I lived my whole childhood with a mother who suffered with depression, and she really suffered! It is hard going, I have a lot of compassion for her or anyone who suffers with depression, they are often misunderstood and a lot of times people's reaction to it makes the matter worse.
Here I am writing this with 3 little ones running around the kitchen, singing along to Frozen songs on the stereo. Can I be sad in that setting? No!! I am not sad this very moment, but I was 30 minutes ago, when the house was quiet and I was wondering about my health and waiting for the doctor to call me back with the results from my blood tests. And that's fear more than sadness. Fear of the unknown. Fear of serious illness. Fear of maybe not being around for my children and husband.
Am I depressed? Of course not! People forget there are times where it is okay to be worried, to be sad, to be happy. Being a mother of 7 doesn't make me immune to those situations, I am still a human filled with emotions that I can't avoid. In an ideal world I want to be the strongest woman there is, where nothing affects me, but in the real world I am a real person, I love little simple things in life, they make me smile. but some days I get up set because of little things too. We all do that!
I am writing all this just because I am going through a though time for the past month or so.
If you don't follow me on Facebook you probably don't know that I was 7 weeks pregnant at the end of October, but I started to bleed and went to the hospital to get it checked. I was surprised to find out that my womb was empty, my first few scans were showing something on my left tube, they decided to just keep an eye on it as I wasn't in pain, I was booked to go to the hospital once a week, and have been doing so for the past 5 weeks, and almost every single week the diagnosis has slightly changed. My tube was clear on the second week but then in the last few scans they have found something that looks like a sac in my uterus, it is empty but the doctors are concerned by the fact that it is near my c-section scar, they call it Ectopic Cesarean Scar Pregnancy. Until yesterday the doctor and I had an agreement that because I felt well, my bloods were not too bad and I was bleeding, we would decid to wait and see if it dissolves by itself. But from last week to yesterday there was no change in the size and position. Even though I have been bleeding for the past 2 weeks there has been no change, and that concerns all of us.
They are now considering treating it, but I have asked for another week, to see if my body does it by itself. As I write here I am waiting for that phone call from the doctor to tell me if my blood results are okay or not. They check every week to see if the pregnancy hormones go down, but so far they have been like a roller-coaster. If there is nothing alive inside why are my hormones going up?
Anyway, all that does make me upset and sad. Worried a bit just by the fact that the doctors are not very confident about what it is, so I feel I am not sure I should trust them.
Yes, I am sad by the thought that I might have lost a little life, another little blessing that would have been a loving addition to our family. NO matter how many children one has, it is ALWAYS going to be sad to lose a baby!
I know I have 7 children, all healthy and bright, but that doesn't change the importance of the one gone! I love dearly this one that I will meet in heaven one day, I know he or she is now enjoying God's presence, but I am SAD! not depressed but sad. Grieving is needed, is healthy and shouldn't be looked as a weakness.
May we all enjoy life with all the emotions it brings!
No comments:
Post a Comment